Welcome to the Crazy House, the abode of those who want to live on the cutting edge of human evolution.
In the Crazy House, we dispose of clumps of cells inside wombs, unless those cells happen to be in the womb of Beyoncé, at which point we celebrate the cells as human life and worship Beyoncé as the goddess of fertility.
In the Crazy House, we don’t allow television advertisements that show men doing engineering and working out, and women cleaning the house and doing ballet. But we do bombard you with scintillating images of rape.
In the Crazy House, we call patriarchal male headship in society abusive and archaic. But we think it is swell when a man takes his organ designed for procreation and sticks it in another man’s organ designed for defecation. We’ll even organize gyration parades for such activity.
In the Crazy House, we take half your income, because greed is bad.
In the Crazy House, we let thousands of men who have expressed interest in killing us camp out in the living room, but if you spank your child or tell your son that he isn’t a girl and never will be, we’ll steal your children and feed them to a machine.
In the Crazy House, we don’t demean folks by judging them by the content of their character and their competency. We just go with looks. It’s more objective, and counteracts privilege.
In the Crazy House, we teach math and science, and look to nature as our deity, but insist that everything is random matter in motion without meaning or purpose.
In the Crazy House, we have criminalized speeding, using the phone while driving, eating a cheeseburger while driving, and putting on lipstick while driving, but we love when people kill other people because they feel like it (we do this because we are pulling our philosophy of law straight out of our butts, as the butt has been proven to be a safe place to store philosophy).
In the Crazy House, we believe in positivity, but are still working out a definition of good.
In the Crazy House, we promote the consolidation of government power. But we hate Donald Trump and think he looks a lot like Satan, even though Satan is more of a metaphorical idea, because evil and judgement and all that aren’t real, unless we are talking about the evils of racism and judging others. In our judgement of people who do such things, we find them intolerable, and so you can’t live in this house if you are going to be like that.
In the Crazy House, we will certainly have more rules to share with you at a later time, but this should suffice to help you make yourself right at home.